Not Good Enough for God

So the story of Cain and Abel is basically that there were two bros, and by that I mean actual brothers, though I guess they were probably bros as well, who worked really hard and both sought to honor God. So yeah one day God is all "Yo dawg why don't you lay out a sacrifice for me so I can inhale those sick fumes" and so Cain, being a farmer, offers up God some wheat and herbs and stuff and Abel, being a shepherd, kills a cute adorbs lil lamb and burns its flesh in some sort of creepy-sounding ritual. Anyway so God rejects Cain's offering (HUGE theological implications there, it's been the focus of thousands of studies) and favors Abel. And yeah Cain is totes pissed and goes off and kills his bro (not cool dude, bros before deities yo) and then God is all "Yo dawg where's your bro" and Cain is all "Sod off God I ain't keepin track of that guy all the time he can take care of himself" and God is like "Yo dawg you're his bro it's your responsibility to take care of him and now that you've killed him I gotta invoke my sick magykks and curse you" and then now you've got stories about Cain being the Wandering Jew, this undying, bitter, scorned Jewish wanderer present at all the major biblical events, even though that's a totally unfounded story and Cain probably died miserable and alone of natural causes at a ripe old age of Very Very Old because everyone lived a long time in those days according to the Bible.

Anyway I've always had an incredibly deep personal connection to this story, it's without a doubt my favorite biblical story and possibly one of my favorite stories in general. What really bothers me about it is that Cain offered what he had, he offered the fruits of his labor, and God rejected it in favor of something Cain couldn't possibly have offered. A lot of theologians have sort of explained God's rejection as more of an issue with Cain's attitude towards the sacrifice, like maybe Cain was too proud of what he brought to God, or that maybe Cain didn't work as hard as Abel did to make his offering and thus his was worth less, but none of it really satisfies. Because honestly Cain had one thing in this world and he chose to sacrifice some of that one thing to God, to honor him, to worship him, and God spurned him. I really identify with Cain, because for many many years during my life I sought to honor God, to please him by offering what I had, yet every single moment of my life I was surrounded by people who claimed that what I was, who I was as a gay man, dishonored God. So it was a huge struggle because I would offer myself to him, everything I had, but I was constantly told I wasn't wanted by him, that what I had to offer displeased God. I felt, and still feel, Cain's resentment. All I have in this world to offer is myself. And all I have to offer has been rejected. Of course I'll never kill my fellow man over that rejection, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't harbor resentment towards every straight person, every straight Christian, who seems to be favored by God.

All I wanted was to please him. And like Cain, I never could.