the dsm-iv

Don't read this. please

Ten years ago, this started. And I’m only eighteen
An eight-year old couldn't have a concept of this but
Here it is
To tell the truth, the fear’s been here all along
Worthy of its station, a true and proven friend
Only at sixteen did it have a name

And what a name
Strange it’s been with me for so long and I haven’t known. From a child to eighteen
I've gone in and out through many a friend
I felt it there but
I hadn't known the professionals had it written, had my number all along
People like me aren't supposed to have this. But here it is

I’m in this room; where’s the doctor, there she is
Prodding me, asking me questions; first, my name
She makes it seem like this is no big deal. Just talk; we’re alike, you and I will get along (I can tell)
I tell her I’m sixteen. This was late 2012; to think now I’m nearly eighteen
I didn't belong in a place like that but
I talked, and she tells me I have to stay. They take away my phone; I ask my mom to tell my closest friend

My mind put me here; in this prison, this cage where I haven’t a single friend
The nurses come every hour and we have to talk or we’ll stay longer and this girl is
Sitting across from me, telling us her father molested her sister. Another put a gun to her head before the cops came in. I thought I didn't belong here but
They've met the dsm-iv. they know my condition by name
The youngest is fifteen and the oldest eighteen
Maybe I really did belong here all along

Over two weeks have passed, time moves along
It’s not fun; I can’t say I made a friend
I’m more than ready to escape by day eighteen
But in an odd sort of way, how beautiful it is
For once to know I’m not alone; a place away from the world, where they know only my first name
I still catch myself at odd moments wishing I wasn't born this way but

At least I was afforded the joy of suffering with others. Nobody outside had ever heard of my medications but
There they did.  Everyone; it’s like they knew it—knew me all along
And a good friend of mine—they knew her by name
For a minute—just a minute, maybe—I began to think she might not be my only friend
The nurse told my mother Monday—it's marked on the calendar, there it is
But so much has become familiar here in these few weeks that it feels I've lived my life and turned eighteen.