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| Paris trying to decided which goddess is the fairest, and obviously having a huge mental struggle. |
As for the story of Paris and the Golden Apple, for that
matter, all of Paris’s life, the fates had a little too much fun. And the gods
played with what was left of his sad fate. He truly struggled, even when he was
a baby. While his mother was pregnant she had an eye-opening dream that her son
was a torch (um ok) and that he was the ruin of the city of Troy. She told this
tidbit to a seer who told her that her son was most definitely gonna be the end
of Troy. The seer deserves a pat on the back because he was enlightened enough
to see that she would have a son AND that he would be a city-destroyer. Or he
was just sexist. Never mind. Well, obviously Hecuba (his mother) decided to nip
that disaster in the bud and kill her son. So she gave him to a shepherd to
leave out in the mountains and die. Unfortunately, she did not check with
Iocaste first, maybe because she had already committed suicide, or she was not
yet born. If she had checked, she should have known that the shepherd thing
just would not work out well. As we already guessed, Paris was suckled by a
she-bear and managed to hold on to the stings of life until the guilty shepherd
came back to rescue him and raise him as his own.
(This story has three parts. The Greeks were thorough.)
Part Two: By this time, Paris had grown up into basically
the sexiest shepherd lad in the land. His good looks did not serve him well
because he got caught up in God Drama. God Drama is fun to watch, not be a part
of. Every mortal should know that. What happened was these two minor gods got
married and invited everyone on Mt. Olympus and except for Eris to the wedding.
I mean, I can see why they did it because she is the goddess of discord and
strife, but really I still find that decision ridiculously stupid. What is stupider
is that Aurora’s parents did not learn from this. So the pissed of Eris did
what she did best, she created discord and strife. She threw a golden apple
into the party that said “to the fairest”. Apparently, all of the goddesses
were too distracted by its shininess to be weirded out that a random apple was
thrown in the middle of their throne room. Of course, Hera, Aphrodite and
Athena all that that they were the fairest, and that they deserved the apple.
Dumb. Because they hadn’t learned rock paper scissors, they asked Zeus to
decide. But Zeus was a very smart dude who knew that he had no time or energy
to waist getting mixed up in that, because he had unsuspecting mortals to be
chasing after. So he appointed a lowly (but sexy) shepherd guy to decide. ENTER
PARIS. When asked, he decided that the goddesses were all equally
gorgeous/beautiful/radiant and he told them that he couldn’t choose. I still am
not sure if this was quick bargaining skills or indecisiveness because they all
bribed him to be proclaimed the fairest in all of the land. Hera told him that
she would grant him great power—all of Asia to rule. Athena would bestow upon
him awe-inspiring wisdom and strategy in battle. But Aphrodite offered him the
love of the most beautiful women on earth, Helen, the Queen of Sparta. And what
does a sexy shepherd lad want more than power and wisdom? A sexy shepherd lass,
or a Queen. So he decided that Aphrodite was the fairest and went off to claim
his married ladylove.
That is the story of Paris and the Golden Apple but I will
tell you part three because it is important/fascinating and this isn’t long
enough. You all pretended to read the Iliad Freshman year, so you should know
that King Menelaus of Sparta was not too pleased that a shepherd came into his
house, seduced his wife and ran off with her. Oops. Paris took Helen to Troy.
Da da da. You dirty fates. So Menelaus and his brother, Agamemnon gathered
their troops and went off to fight a ten year war against Troy. During this war
Paris kills Achilles in a total upset and we are introduced to Odysseus. From
this epic, we move on to the Odyssey, which is only the greatest/longest thing
I have read except for Harry Potter.
So what did we learn? The fates control everything. But they
let the gods have their fun as long as things go their way in the end. And at
least two Disney stories bear an uncanny resemblance to this myth.
I am supposed to tell you about divine food. How fitting. I
write a food blog. PAD THAI. Obviously. Also, because I made bread yesterday
I’m gonna have to say the second most divine is bread and cheese. After that
are freshly made crepes with cinnamon and sugar. And also most all food when
you are hungry. Strawberries.
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| pad thai yum yum yum yum yum yum |
I DEEPLY APOLOGIZE FOR HOW LONG THIS IS. When I present I
will talk fast, or skip over some stuff that I wrote only for my own amusement.
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